RE: cap weekend and Recovery

The trip to vegas was a lot of fun.  I really enjoyed the group that was assembled because everyone was pretty chill, interesting, and helpful.  A new friend joined us for this trip, and ended up being quite the character, and he actually contribruted to a lot of the fun and hijinks.

On Saturday night, we met up at the airport and flew in.  I didn't realize that everyone had donned their costumes, so I felt a little left out, but it ended up working out because I wouldn't have been able to hike all over the airport in my patent heels.  Then we flew into Vegas and checked into the hotel.  I changed into my costume and then we headed to an izakaya down to strip to catch dinner.  We ended up meeting up with Dave's group of friends who were all dressed up as various Michael Jacksons, so that was pretty awesome.  We had really good food at the izakaya, and then we headed back to sleep because we needed to be out the door by 7ish to make it up to the mountains.

The first night was funny.  Because I snore, I was alloted my own bed, and Peggy and Sandy shared the other bed.  But Peggy turned out to be a restless sleeper, so Sandy and even I woke up to her dancing around in the bedsheets.  It also ended up that I wasn't snoring too terribly, so Sandy and I ended up sharing the same bed the rest of the trip.  Sandy got really good at poking me to stop my snoring.

We all woke up early to head over to the mountains.  We got a breakfast at the Cafe at the Monte Carlo, which was where we were staying.  We all ordered different things, mostly breakfast things.  The interesting order of that meal was the petite filet eggs benedict which ended up being okey for Paul but subpar for Sandy.  Sandy was also given a subpar portion of hashbrowns, so she got them to give her some more for free.  Then we all went to the bathroom and headed up to the mountains.  We stopped off at the local Whole Foods to get lunch together, and then made it up to Red Rocks.  It was funny because when we were driving up, I noticed a patch of red rocks in the mountainside, and postulated to the rest of the car whether they thought that was Red Rocks.  It ended up being so.  We arrived, and we had to stop by the visitor center so I could use the bathroom.  Then I ended up having to go again up at the parking lot, because I had a lot of coffee.  We hiked to the Black Corridor, and the guys started to set up the leads.  It ended up taking a bit of time because some of the runs were very difficult.

I didn't end up climbing very much because I ended up feeling like crap that day.  I was pretty energetic at breakfast but by the time we started to climb, I think I just exhausted my energy supplies.  Or my sugar may have just crashed.  I was so tired, I didn't have the energy to chew my sandwich so I ended up just drinking a muscle milk and eating trail mix.  I did manage to finish one run, but it was a lot harder for me than it normally should have been, but I was glad to get at least one run in.  I ended up feeling like a big fail because I ended up dropping Sandy while belaying her on one run, I lost her dial on her camera that indicates settings, and I was so weaksauce so I ended up just crying because I felt so down.  Sandy was really nice about the dial and drop but I guess with everything else that was going on, I just sort of imploded.  It was also mildly frustrating because I should have been able to handle most of the runs but my stamina and strength just weren't there.  We ended up finishing the day racing against the sunset to make it back down the mountain and back to the hotel.  We had dinner at the Bellagio buffet, where I ate a lot of prime rib and a bit of kobe top sirloin.  I also enjoyed the truffled ravioli and the creme brulee.  After dinner, we called it a night.

The next morning, we woke up a little later, and just headed over to the next approach for the climb that day.  Our guidebook wasn't very explicit so it took a bit of scouting to find our rocks.  I had a mini adventure because I really had to go to the bathroom and we were already on the bluffs.  It didn't end well, but I improvised and got through it.  Peggy actually helped me dig a hole at one point, but because other people started approaching our area, I decided to hurry back to the parking lot bathrooms.

The climbs the second day were pretty awesome because we actually had to start from a ledge, so the view was spectacular.  We got some awesome and hilarious pictures.  We ended up setting 3 ropes, and one of them was a trad climb relying on passive protection because there were no bolts set up for that run.  I didn't end up completing a single climb because I was too tired to do anything.  I was a little frustrated, but not too much because I just knew my body couldn't handle it.  Everyone else did fantastic, and even Sandy started to actually really like climbing, so that was a big win for the trip.  The descent was completely fantastic because the sunset and moonrise were stunningly beautiful.  We drove back to the strip, and eventually decided to get dinner at Bouchon.

Dinner at Bouchon was really yummy.  We ordered the Grand Plateau which was a medley of seafood options, like oysters, clams, mussels, crab, shrimp, and lobster.  Most of us ordered a starter, whether salad or soup.  I got the celeriac soup, which was really good.  Unfortunately, because we were so late, they ran out of the night's special, so we all defaulted to our other options.  It was a party of 7, but we all ended up ordering either the duck or the lamb.  I ordered the duck and ate everything and used bread to sop up all the sauce.  Then I ate my neighbor's cabbage and Peggy's cabbage as well.  I had finally gotten my appetite back.  :)  Hendy ended up ordering shots of alcohol for the drinkers, and 2 bottles of wine were also ordered.  Casa de la Cruz.  We ordered desserts.  Had the most fluffiest creme brulee ever, and a delightful meringue dessert.  And a brownie thingy with different ice creams, chocolate, vanilla, and cinnamon.  Then we drove back, Hendy threw up in the parking lot, and we called it a night.

The final day, the girls decided not to go out on the multipitch climb Dave and Paul were going to set up.  Hendy left earlier to head into work.  So the ladies slept in and checked out, and we met up with Eric to have lunch at Mon Ami Gabi.  Eric and Sandy ordered an awesome seafood crepe, and Peggy ordered a steak she thought was subpar.  I tasted some of it and thought it was awesome.  I ordered an open face mushroom sandwich which I think I should have salted a bit to be tastier.  The rest of the ordered french onion soup and I got the porcini.  We ate like 3 baguettes, and Peggy got a caramel macchiato after the meal.  Then we went on a hunt for gelato, which wound us up at the Bellagio.  I got mandarin and it was tasty.  Then we headed back to the Monte Carlo.  Eric figured he'd try his hand at craps, and Peggy did the slots.  Sandy and I took a nap in the lobby and a security guard told us we couldn't sleep there.  So then we went to the second floor where there were benches outside the conference room, and a security guard woke up Sandy saying we couldn't sleep there because the president works on that floor and may pass through.  Fortunately, by that time, it was the time we designated to meet up to collect our luggage from the bell desk to head over to the airport.  We realized we'd get  taxi, and we were way too early, so we hung out at the food court until it was time to go.  I ended up getting cold, so I ordered a hot apple cider, and a raspberry tart because pastries were 1/2 off with a venti drink order.  Then off to the airport we went.

We waited for Dave and Paul to get to the check in counter because they had Eric's bag with them.  Then we ended up going to the gate together.  It was funny.  When we flew over, our gate was the furthest.  As we were leaving, our gate was the furthest gate there could have been.  It was a little bit of a rush because we had little time to spare, we all wanted to use the bathroom and Paul and Dave wanted to get food since they haven't had a chance to eat yet.  So we got everyone on the plane and headed back.  We got our luggage and split off our own separate ways.

Riva picked up me and Sandy from the airport, so we headed over to Sandy's but it turns out she had forgotten her keys, so while her roommate went to go drop off the keys, we headed over for Hooters (both our first time), for some all you can eat wings.  Well I did it, Sandy got a salad.  I ate 41 wings.  Then we headed back, and that was it!

What a trip.

owning up to nothingness

I woke up this morning in a pretty depressed state.  I think it's something that's been snowballing over the past few weeks, and finally reached critical mass just now.  It's a good thing in many ways because it's the best impetus to overcome the inertia and ennui that's been keeping me hazardly complacent about things.  It's also overwhelming because it's emotionally chaotic, and I am a very emotional person.  I would not liken the feeling to that of a phoenix rising from the ashes.  I would liken it to being trapped in a burning building crumbling upon itself and trying to rescue myself out of it, alone, without the resources needed, and a sapping desire to fight.

I suppose the feeling that woke me from my slumber was hopelessness.  And it was a slumber beyond merely the act of sleeping.

My old roommate has accomplished many things over the past year, both personally and professionally.  Recently, she just acquired a new job position, and it's perfect for her and she's definitely earned it.  With it comes a sizeable hike in pay, position, and just excitement.  She's also just bought her own house, and she's enjoying a new relationship that progressing nicely.

If you juxtapose my life against hers, it's pretty pathetic.  In the last year, I've gone from being unemployed, failing in a brief relationship, burning through all my money, to now just taking some classes at a local community college full time.  I know personally, I've made strides to move away from the shambles my life whirlwinded into from the relationship with my first ex, and I've digested my experiences professionally and gleaned from that, but otherwise, I have accomplished nothing.  I was temporarily quite fit and active, but then I got lazy and really sick, so that's gone as well.  So a week ago, I came up with some goals, and I'm trying to actively implement a plan to take them down.  These include, immently, to complete my resume, become healthy, and fix my sleeping schedule.

I think being sick for as long as I have been has taken a large toll on me as well.  I was pretty incapacitated the two weeks ago, but otherwise, it just took a lot of energy and time out of me.  I suppose a lesson I can glean again from that is learning to take care of myself better to prevent myself from falling sick in the first place, and acting quicker to go to Kaiser to get the things I need to get better, like medicines or antibiotics.  And also to do things like take vitamins, supplements, and EmergenC when I start to feel like I might catch a cold.  And simply sleep better and exercise more.

I think exercising and sleeping better are sizable initiatives because being sick screwed my sleeping schedule up again pretty badly, and I need to fix my sleep schedule so I can improve upon my productivity.  Exercising is paramount because it affects my health, but it also affects my emotion well-being because the better I feel physically and about how I look, the more confident I am.  It contributes to my overall physical health since it'll help me do things like lower my cholesterol, lower my fat profile, increase my respiratory endurance, and help me sleep at a more reasonable hour and completely.  Mind and body health go hand in hand, and my body is one thing I do have control over and I think I am learning that its condition does play a significant hand in how I feel.

Another thing I've been considering over the past couple months actually, at least I think it's been more than just a few weeks, is possibly trying to go to church again.  I had a very involved monologue about this just now; about my status and about what I want, and whether this would actually move me towards what it is I seek or would it be just an exercise in futility.  My faith suffered when I felt that God had left me, which then in turn caused me to question everything, and as a result, my lifestyle has shifted and, to be honest, I think I don't want to go back to doing those things I used to; those things I used to do without hesitation or a second thought.  Things as simple as going to church, or titheing, or praying before meals.  I have actually attempted to pray a couple of times, but the feeling that my words fall without being heard persists.  And the ache of, there must be something more than all this, persists.

I feel hollow and I know it isn't the panacea of organized religion that I feel will fill it.

I remember, as people had given testimony, that the one thing that drew them towards Christianity, was that it seemed that Christians were so deeply satisfied and joyous.  This wasn't drawn from doing churchy things implicitly, but because of the relationship they had with God.  And churchy things are a direct overflow as a result of that; acts of love from worship, not obligation, duty, or even human expectation.

It's been said that the soul is comprised of emotion, volition, and intellect.  When my faith floundered and failed, I had just assumed that it was my intellect that was the breaking point because I had always emotionally felt so connected to God.  As I reflected earlier, I wonder now more if it wasn't that my intellectual understanding of God was weak, more so that the emotional sector was too strong and that it was my volition that collapsed.

We'll see how this itch in my mind resolves.

Right now, I have to pack for my trip to Vegas.  I recall now, that I detest the actual act of travelling, such as packing, getting to the airport, and even flying.  To be honest, I am not excited because I'm financially worried and I'm physically unfit.  I also have a midterm that I'll be having to make up when I return, so I'll also be spending a portion of my time cramming and studying.  But I will definitely enjoy the company present, and I think it will be good for me to get away from my apartment and take a little mini vacation. I haven't climbed in ages, so I know that won't be as much fun as it usually is, but it'll be a good way to get back into climbing.

Last night, and tonight, I was and will be dressed up as a wench.  It was a little disappointing because no one could tell I was a wench.  I was sort of mean when some of my friends were giving me compliments, but I was really uncomfortable with the way they were doing it.  Last night ended up being sort of a bust, because I ended up spending a portion of it with people whose company I did not enjoy, instead of hanging out with people I do.  Lesson learned.  Don't force myself to do something I know I'm going to end up hating.  I think I might be allergic to fishnet.

Well, off to pack I go.